Slaughterhouse 46

START TIME: 10:29 PM
END TIME: 11:16 PM
WORD COUNT: 665

"Write the dialogue for the Smurfs on "The Dating Game."

DON MESSICK: “Welcome to this special edition of the Dating Game. I’m your host, Don Messick. Today, we’d like to introduce our bachelors. Bachelor Number One is two apples high and visits us from the Smurf Village. He’s apparently distinguishable from the other 99 by black thick framed glasses. Please welcome Brainy Smurf.”

(applause)

DON MESSICK: “Bachelor Number 2 is a free spirit who also joins us from the Smurf Village. An aspiring comedian and all around bon-vivant, his whole existence never leaves room for a dull moment as he’s always chock full of surprises. Please welcome Jokey Smurf.”

(applause)

DON MESSICK: “And finally, Bachelor Number 3 has recently been seen on such Food network fare as Ace of Cakes, Top Chef, and Iron Chef Smurf Village. Rarely seen without a sample of his latest creation, he’s the reason this army of Smurfs smurfs on its stomach. Also from Smurf Village, please welcome Greedy Smurf.”

(applause)

DON MESSICK: “And let’s meet our bachelorette. We’ll keep our bachelors behind this partition to conceal her-“
JOKEY SMURF: (screaming) “ARE YOU SMURFING SERIOUS?”
DON MESSICK: “Uhh, excuse me, Jokey?”
JOKEY SMURF: “There was *hic* ONE female Smurf on the SHOW! Like we’re gonna be too smurfin’ DUMB to figure THIS out. Bunch of smurfing low rent smurfsuc…”
DON MESSICK: “Now, Jokey, that’s ENOUGH. And I don’t know how you slipped that flask past our contestant coordinator this afternoon, but I’m not giving you any more coffee.”
JOKEY SMURF: “Haggh-ha-haeeegghh, it’s a SURPRISE, you smurf-eating sack of…”
DON MESSICK: “Cut his mic. I’ll be in my trailer, you sodden little twerp.”

(The bachelors sit in silence for a minute.)

BRAINY SMURF: “Actually, he’s got a point, but he’s a little bit off the mark.”
JOKEY SMURF: “Oh, smurf you, Slide Rule.”
BRAINY SMURF: “No, no, let me finish! There was another girl…”
JOKEY SMURF: “You’re going to count that little hayseed thing that they wanted to turn into a spinoff?”
GREEDY SMURF: “Mowmth mwmoth mommmnph mmmpph.”
BRAINY SMURF: “Smurfin’ smurf, Greedy, just keep your pie hole closed when you’re getting chatty, huh? Right, and she was like, four when our show was out, so that would make her what, 29 right now, and with that whole accent and the overalls and the Daisy Duke vibe, we are certainly talking Maximum Cute.”
GREEDY SMURF: “Mowmth mwmoth momnph mmpph.”
BRAINY SMURF: “Yeah, that’s attractive. She’ll be looking over and saying, “Smurf, I wanna smurf THAT.” You’ve buffaloed up since the Glory Days, no? Two apples high and the whole smurfin’ orchard around.”
JOKEY SMURF: “Hehhgh-heggh-*hic*…fat smurf.”
GREEDY SMURF: “Mowmth mwm-PTOOEY…So what do you want to do? Think we’re going to work a smurfin’ birthday party any time soon? You can’t get those boxes of yours past airport security. What kind of sick smurf trick was it to teach little kids that a practical joke consisted of a smurfin’ BLACK POWDER EXPLOSION in somebody’s FACE? Johnny Knoxville’s whole existence is your smurfin’ FAULT! And YOU! Every Saturday morning the smurfin’ episode would end with you gettin’ beaned in the head with a smurfin’ MALLET! Good thing we grew up hating all the smart people! The smurfin’ little smurfers that watched us all have kids who want to grow up to be Miley Cyrus, and the little Chinese kids all want to grow up to be Bill Gates! We made the whole smurfin’ Western world a DUMBER PLACE TO BE! And NOW, we’re reduced to THIS pile of smurf? FOR WHAT?

(Smurfette strides onto darkened stage, chain smoking Virginia Slims and visibly trying to keep her composure, yet appear bemused and aloof. The bachelors wear an expression of familiarity, horror, and contempt. In a voice sounding more like Miles Davis than Bette Davis…)

SMURFETTE: “Let’s get this overwith, OK? We’ve all been around this block before.”

(Brainy elbows Jokey.)

BRAINY SMURF: (whispering) “No smurfin’ way, dude. She smells like Wild Turkey and beard.”

-FIN-