Monday, October 31, 2005

Handy Halloween Tips

As a public service to all three of the people reading here, I present the following candy management schemes, which, if adhered to, could make Halloween a great deal more entertaining.

Rule Number One (and a proud Lyden family tradition at that): There are two classes of candy. First class is Reese's, Snickers, and "fun size" versions of regular full-sized candy bars. Second class is Necco wafers, Dum-Dum suckers, and Tootsie Rolls.

First class candy goes to all trick-or-treaters in costume ages 11 or younger. From ages 8 to 11, the question, "What are you supposed to be?" is asked. If an insufficient answer is given, second class is an option, but probably not.

Overall, the general sense should be that you have come to my house and asked me for food. I expect, AT MINIMUM, a little effort if you want something good.

Rule Number Two: Second class candy to all kids 12 and above, particularly those who show up and claim to be "skateboarders," "teenagers," or "students." A desultory application of face paint or eye makeup does not make you worthy of a Butterfinger bar. Get a paper route and, while you're at it, get out of my driveway.

EXCEPTION: Older brothers and sisters escorting younger siblings are entitled to First Class. As parents and siblings ourselves our household seeks to encourage this sort of behavior. Plus, most of the kids doing this are properly mortified at being seen by their friends and deserve a reward.

Rule Number Three: You WILL say "trick or treat" if you're five or above. Jabbing a sack at me isn't enough. I'll stand there. You rang my doorbell. I expect a performance.

Rule Number Four: I reserve the right to give you ANYTHING if the candy runs out: Jell-O boxes, change, granola, popsicles, cans of tomato paste, whatever. The candy supply is finite. You should have gotten here earlier.

Rule Number Five: The Necco wafers that you got last year and didn't eat may bear an astonishing resemblance to this year's Necco wafers. Your darkest suspicions are true. I give out candy that's older than my kids when I use it for the sole purpose of discouraging you doing this sort of thing next year.

Rule Number Six: Halloween is for kids, despite what the casinos are promoting, particularly those holding parties where the female guests are encouraged to wear two Band-Aids and a handkerchief. Behave accordingly or I'll break out the Halloween pool cues.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My family had a similar approach to the first-/second-class candy idea. Basically, if someone wouldn't mind having the leftovers around, that was saved until the end and everything else went first.

-kf