Slaughterhouse 9

START TIME: 9:12 PM
END TIME: 10:49 PM
WORD COUNT - In the rebuttal, exactly 150

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION:

Dear Mr. Monkey,

My father used to tell the story of a guy changing his tire outside of a mental hospital. A patient stood silently watching. The guy accidentally kicked the hub cap holding the four lug nuts over and they fell down a storm sewer. He ranted and swore mighty oathes. The mental patient told him to take one nut off of each of the three remaining wheels and drive slowly to a gas station. The guy remarked that it was a great idea. The patient replied; "Hey I'm crazy, I'm not stupid."

Please see the attached and should I win, I'll expect your rebuttal to Mr. Kaczynski as my prize. To make it even more interesting, make your reply complete, convincing and under 150 words and I'll kick in $50.00 more.

http://www.kk.org/thetechnium/archives/2009/02/the_unabomber_w.php

Bwah ha ha.

Kurtz.

________________________________

OK, first of all, you should read the entire linked article; it's good. The premise I'm going to try to argue against is:

• Personal freedoms are constrained by society, as they must be.
• The stronger that technology makes society, the less freedoms.
• Technology destroys nature, which strengthens technology further.
• This ratchet of technological self-amplification is stronger than politics.
• Any attempt to use technology or politics to tame the system only strengthens it.
• Therefore technological civilization must be destroyed, rather than reformed.
• Since it cannot be destroyed by tech or politics, humans must push industrial society towards its inevitable end of self-collapse.
• Then pounce on it when it is down and kill it before it rises again.

________________________________________________

THE REBUTTAL (149 words)

80 words go to Charles Darwin:

“As many more individuals of each species are born than can possibly survive; and as, consequently, there is a frequently recurring struggle for existence, it follows that any being, if it vary however slightly IN ANY MANNER profitable to itself, under the complex and sometimes varying conditions of life, will have a better chance of surviving, and thus be naturally selected. From the strong principle of inheritance, any selected variety will tend to propagate its new and modified form.”

In his “Manifesto” Kaczynski recognizes “technology” as being a first-world phenomena, when it could just as easily be a Coke bottle dropped over the Kalahari. He claims “modern society tends to guaranty the physical necessities to everyone” ignoring rising rates of communicable diseases via thickheaded parents bypassing vaccinations, provided by technology. If we destroy civilization, will there be Amish vaccines? Inmate 04475-046 remains silent.

_________________________________________________

Here's where I'll point out that the ALL CAPS was not present in the introduction to Darwin's On The Origin of Species.

I could write a couple thousand more words about this and probably need at least an additional 500 to explain the shortcuts I had to take, the longer explanation I had to compress, the sick bait and switch I had to use to provide a real-world example, the multiple lines of argument you can have with the Unabomber Manifesto itself - but I'm going to let this stand in place until I get a verdict. I could flesh out the rest of this argument in less than 10 minutes...but I'd need another 100 words, at least. As much as I'd like to think I earned that nice picture of Grant I think the misdirection I employed is insufficient. Sorry, guys.

Writing Project Update

WEEKLY WORD COUNT - Less than 500. I've had a number of differeny projects going on this week and while I touched on a couple projects, there will be weeks on and weeks off. Rest assured that there will be lots to update following next week's bash.

GRATUITOUS PLUG: Donate to the Space Monkeys at http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/team_info.php?TeamKey=2009-4433#

Next week's Slaughterhouse topic is up for auction. If you're the high bid before March 6, the topic is all yours. Currently the clubhouse leader is Cami Coy, who contributed $150 to the Space Monkeys yesterday. Whoever's the leader at 9 PM PST on March 6, I'll write 500 words or more about anything you want.

Also, from now until 3 PM on March 6, every $5 you donate gets you a ticket into the contest to choose what color I'm going to dye my hair for the St. Baldrick's party. (If you donated before 2/25 you get a ticket for every $10.) So Cami's currently got 30 tickets that says my hair's going to be royal purple.

RESPONSES TO LAST WEEK'S ITEM: Six

NUMBER OF NEW SUGGESTIONS THIS WEEK: Three (Ken, Ken, and Jay Lyden)

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION:

Dear Mr. Monkey,

My father used to tell the story of a guy changing his tire outside of a mental hospital. A patient stood silently watching. The guy accidentally kicked the hub cap holding the four lug nuts over and they fell down a storm sewer. He ranted and swore mighty oathes. The mental patient told him to take one nut off of each of the three remaining wheels and drive slowly to a gas station. The guy remarked that it was a great idea. The patient replied; "Hey I'm crazy, I'm not stupid."

Please see the attached and should I win, I'll expect your rebuttal to Mr. Kaczynski as my prize. To make it even more interesting, make your reply complete, convincing and under 150 words and I'll kick in $50.00 more.

http://www.kk.org/thetechnium/archives/2009/02/the_unabomber_w.php

Bwah ha ha.

Kurtz.

________________________________

OK, first of all, you should read the entire linked article; it's good. The premise I'm going to try to argue against is:

Personal freedoms are constrained by society, as they must be.
The stronger that technology makes society, the less freedoms.
Technology destroys nature, which strengthens technology further.
This ratchet of technological self-amplification is stronger than politics.
Any attempt to use technology or politics to tame the system only strengthens it.
Therefore technological civilization must be destroyed, rather than reformed.
Since it cannot be destroyed by tech or politics, humans must push industrial society towards its inevitable end of self-collapse.
Then pounce on it when it is down and kill it before it rises again.

In less than 150 words, in about two and a half hours. With $50 on the line.

Showtime.

Slaughterhouse 8

Start time: 10:03 PM
Stop time:10:39 PM
Word count: 767 words

Question: What would you say the difference is between "friends with benefits" and a relationship? –Nancy Beagle


I have always regarded the phrase “friends with benefits” with a sort of mournful scorn. It was clearly designed to put some sort of status on the person who clearly wanted something more out of the deal, because I don’t know that this is the sort of decision that’s arrived at mutually. People walk into relationships with goals, dreams, and aspirations. It used to be that society had whole great swaths of rules about dating and courtship and what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Every single rule of what could be considered normal human contact has been modified to a degree that I have heard several people actually say – out loud, in the same tone of voice that you or I would order something from Starbucks – “It was either get married or split up.”

That’s an amazing sentence structure. “It was either enter the Indianapolis 500 or drive into a tree at 200 MPH.” “It was either get to the second round of the French Open or quit tennis altogether.” But in a place and time where sentiments like that exist, there’s obviously a need for more pace, more chalk lines. Somebody who didn’t want to get married, move in, date exclusively, or have any more pressure than remembering the name of the cat, but reeeeeally wanted to sleep with somebody, decided hey, this wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.

As an optimist, I tend to see the win for both sides. “You’re not sleeping with anyone or dating anyone, I’m not either, but I’d rather be and so would you, so why not? No commitment, no acting or feeling all weird, just sort of pull the extension cord out of your mind and…be.” Sounds enticing. Doesn’t work. Because the other side of that curtain consists of a guided tour. “See all this stuff? Here’s the two parachutes, the zip line, the emergency locator beacon, the ejection seat, the portable ham radio, the GPS and the life rafts. If I find somebody who I would like to be a little closer to than you, I plan to deploy ALL of these things at once, even the life raft and the parachute. Not that I’m building the escape route now, right off the bat, but just be prepared. Look, I brought you your very own crash helmet, just in case.” But much like the person who’s chosen first in a round of “Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe”, the person who chooses this status first then holds all of the cards. The other person has to escalate everything or leave. It’s positively diabolical.

I’m now almost glacially old, so I work under the assumption that an actual relationship is something worth preserving if both parties are interested in doing so. Friends with benefits almost guarantees that’s not going to happen. There’s either an excess of caution from one party or a disproportionate amount of enthusiasm from another, or it turns into an actual relationship, where there’s no stepping back from problems. It would be nice to subvert or avoid the feeling that relationships take a certain level of work if you want to make sure that neither party wants to hit the other while they’re sleeping with a coconut hammer, but it’s not the case.

And a relationship that gets backed off to “let’s be friends with benefits,” well, you might as well pick up some boxes on the way back to that shared apartment. Who says, “I know I said that I wanted to be with you yesterday, but today I don’t, but I’d really appreciate it if we could do everything just like a couple with none of the work.” At this point, the coaster has pulled into the station and it’s push down, pull up, enjoy the rest of your day at Six Flags Great America.

And this, children, is why I normally take relationship queries with the understanding that I help with strategy, not with taxonomy. Remember, if I had any idea what I was doing, I may not be this single right now.

Writing Project Update

WEEKLY WORD COUNT: 1500, with a LOT of St. Baldrick's stuff. Did I mention I also do movie production, editing and clothing design?

GRATUITOUS PLUG: Donate to the Space Monkeys at http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/team_info.php?TeamKey=2009-4433#

RESPONSES TO LAST WEEK’S ITEM: Three.

NUMBER OF NEW SUGGESTIONS THIS WEEK: Three (Ken, Nancy)

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION: "What would you say the difference is between "friends with benefits" and a relationship? - Nancy Beagle

Oh good - another question that makes me want to hide behind the couch. I'm working off of my laptop tonight, because the office behemoth is devoted to movie compiling, and needs all the memory it can stand. This may take a while, for a number of very good reasons.

500 WORDS ON THIS TOPIC DUE BY: 2/21/09 12 AM

Slaughterhouse 7

Start Time: 9:50 PM

End Time: 11:24 PM

Word Count: 547

Question from Ken Faikus: "Last week, you described your perfect woman. This week, do a self-criticism of why someone else would find you attractive. What are your best and worst features? Basically, why would that woman you described want to date you?"

The good news is, I’ve got some practice at self-criticism. Years of it. The bad news is I’m trying to couple the right answer to this question without sounding needy and lonely, or without sounding arrogant and hucksterish, or without a reader in mind as I’m writing it. In a question that got lost in the Slaughterhouse rock pile, Beth asked who I consider my reader to be. There’s usually somebody I have in mind, and I try to broaden the sketches to include someone who doesn’t know any of the more ridiculous stories surrounding the core bunch of us. I can assure you there is no such person I’m writing this for right now. Besides, this is like a job interview. That part up there where I have to identify my worst features? Am I allowed to say I’m some kind of workaholic? That always seems to get me hired.

I would like to think that I’m a good date; I’m attentive, a good listener, and a good conversationalist. I can make people smile and laugh. I’ve been a lot of places, seen a great number of things, and know how to tell a story.

If I’m entrusted with choosing where to go and what to do, I’m very good at picking someplace that fits both of our ideas of a good time, even if it’s somewhere she’s never been, just based on what she’s told me about where she’s been and what she likes and doesn’t.

I’m reasonably intelligent and manage to know a few things about a number of topics, but I’m ready and willing to admit when I don’t know what I’m talking about. And that happens a lot.

I’m employed, driven, and ambitious, well spoken with a nice smile, and I’m exceedingly and unfailingly polite. I will never embarrass her. And I have enough of a life of my own that I won’t be so clingy that she’ll feel that she can’t take a step without tripping over me, but I can certainly be as close as she’d like.

There are drawbacks. I am incredibly busy with training, with my kids when I have them, and there’s a lot I try to juggle. I have diverse interests, don’t really watch TV, and have been accused of being a snob. I’m not, but I can see where I can get tagged with being elitist, hoity-toity, what have you. Yes, I know a small amount about wine and champagne, but I don’t use words like “oaky” or “hints of vanilla.” It’s wine. I either like how it tastes or I don’t.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life doing some incredible things and learning from those experiences, and I think there’s someone out there who may want to share that. And that’s why someone would want to date me; they wouldn’t regret the experience we could share and they get to keep their own life in the process. I consider that win-win.

WEEKLY WORD COUNT: A paltry 1500 or so to the projects, but some rather interesting correspondence.

GRATUITOUS PLUG: Donate to the Space Monkeys at http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/team_info.php?TeamKey=2009-4433#

RESPONSES TO LAST WEEK’S ITEM: Three, and one of them was so astonishing that I can’t even share it here, except for the quote “Is there a complimentary fashion to someone being so absolutely horrible to deal with on certain days that you’d like to strangle him?”

NUMBER OF NEW SUGGESTIONS THIS WEEK: Three (Susan, Ken, Ken)

THIRD EMAIL IN THE INBOX: "Last week, you described your perfect woman. This week, do a self-criticism of why someone else would find you attractive. What are your best and worst features? Basically, why would that woman you described want to date you?"

Oh, Christ. Welcome to “Me and my big mouth, Volume 261.”

500 words on this topic due by: 2/14/09 12:00 AM

Slaughterhouse 6

Start Time: 9:37 PM
End Time: 11:45 PM
Word Count: 1085 without introduction
Beth Badrov, with “Please describe your ideal woman. Enjoy.”

No, the intro doesn’t count. Yes, you’ve been warned.

Our protagonist walks out onto a darkened stage of a large opera house, with one bright spotlight shining on two barstools and a microphone on a stand. On one barstool is a clear liquid with ice in a glass pitcher. Our protagonist feels as if he’s in a vivid, but obviously unreal, dream. He doesn’t remember dreaming about a rider for his appearances so he doesn’t know if the pitcher contains ice water, perfectly mixed gin and tonics, or lighter fluid. But the light’s very bright and it’s obviously time for him to do whatever he’s come here to do. There is polite applause, but there’s an undercurrent of discontent; he’s looking out from the stage and he can see maybe the first three rows, but past that a large, black void…and that light.

(In the dream, though, the house lights are out, and he’d never hire a guy in a sweater like that.)

In that moment, walking from stage left to the center, he suddenly realizes he has no idea what he’s going to say, what these people are expecting him to say, who’s out there and why, or if he’s supposed to get out of here alive. It’s the dream of the test you didn’t prepare for! On stage!

So he stepped to the microphone and asked. “So what do you want to hear?” And he hears a familiar voice call out, “Please describe your ideal woman. Enjoy.” Hey, it’s the same voice that he remembers requesting a chainsaw injury nearly seven years ago at an improv show in Chicago! He’s among friends! Right? Sure. On with the show.)

My ideal woman? (Insert quick, furtive smile and inquisitive sip of available beverage. Sapphire and tonic, and lime wedges and a pint glass? I’m certainly among friends, or they’re nearby.)

My ideal woman will need to be patient. Before she’s anything else, this will become an apparent necessity. I looked at my schedule for the past two weeks, and in case you weren’t sure, I’m very single at the moment. My day starts at 4:35 when I get up to serve as personal trainer to a neighbor. I get back a little after 6 and have to be at my desk at 7. I work out on my lunch hour. I work until 4 and then on Tuesdays and Thursdays, go to a Pilates workout run by my personal trainer. That goes until 6:30. I go home and eat one of about two meals that I eat when I’m training – surimi or chicken on wheat tortillas or turkey burgers with wasabi – and sit down to write until about 10:30 at the earliest, or until midnight.

How much of this would I set aside for someone else? “Plenty,” I’ll say. But I do like the autonomy. But the very definition of “auto-“ is “self,” and I feel very alone sometimes. Everything else I mention will probably come back to patience. I know that I can be optimistically described as quirky and less charitably described as moody as hell, and I know I’ll get along with someone equally warped in a complimentary fashion. (“Sour Cream and Onion Pringle seeks Barbecue.”)

My ideal woman would have a life, ideas, and a mind of her own. I really don’t want to spend time with someone who thinks that I have all the answers, who instantly assumes that I’m supposed to know more about something just because I’m me, and who lacks the self-confidence to point out when I’m being ridiculous. No woman that I’ve ever spent any significant time with lacked self-confidence…initially. I don’t think any of my closest women friends could be described as reticent or anti-intellectual; not that they were brainy, they just didn’t have contempt for people who liked being aware of the world around them.) This also makes a difference as I’m ready to dismiss a lot of people out of hand for seemingly no reason at all, usually in a really sarcastic manner.

She will be 5’8” or taller. As for other aesthetic requirements, they’re going to fade really quickly if we can’t have a conversation. Every person I’ve ever wanted to be with was more interesting above the eyebrows than below. A great smile is nice. Terrific eyes are a plus. A smile that I can see when I close my eyes tightly is great. Hair and eye color don’t matter to me at all, but confidence is very important, a confidence that’s so prominent it’s almost a physical presence.

She doesn’t need to be an athlete but it would help if she had some level of understanding of how I train and what I train for, and shouldn’t feel that every time I mention what my schedule is that I’m subtly suggesting that she needs to return to the gym or we’re doomed. I don’t need a training partner, but I’ll train with her if she’d like to try it. I won’t directly train someone I’m in a relationship with, though. That’s a level of argument that I can’t be.

She’s going to want to travel, she’ll understand the great things about cities, she’ll have a sense of humor that matches up with mine, and will understand that I like losing myself in a book, like fine dining, like distance running and she’ll like nights that turn so torrid that, at sunset, I’m wondering if left an extra pair of sunglasses inside or in my jacket pocket for when it’s time to finally leave for brunch. (I’m over a word limit that I’ve already crossed, but I usually get five hours of sleep a night and regularly exercise for three hours plus; do the math.) I like champagne and laughter and live music and talking about the movie we just saw over key lime pie and double espresso-and she doesn’t have to like precisely the same things I do, but she has to understand those little touchstones and have more than few of her own.

I like being secure enough to know that if I don’t hear from her, it’s not that she’s mad at me, and I want her to be equally secure. Please don’t need me to make your life complete; I’m not much of a scaffold and I’ll handle it poorly. This is why I’m a great date but a lousy relationship. If you don’t want to be with me, you’ll find something else to do. I want to find out what makes her happy and surprise her with it. I want to use this florist I keep on speed dial, want to know what kind of juice she wants me to bring up from the café downstairs, want to see her favorite movie even if she’s convinced I’ll hate it.

I want someone who can fill the silence when it gets to be suffocating and appreciate it when it isn’t the default position. I want someone who understands that every single Friday and every other weekend physically and every single day mentally I’m still Dad, and it will be a long time before you get to meet my guys; there’s nothing more important to me and I value my time with them.

I want her to understand that my friends are the family I got to choose and there’s nothing I won’t do for that family. There are people who have known me for more than half of my life, who didn’t cover their eyes for the scary parts, and I wouldn’t be here without them. If for some reason I’m needed halfway across the country for my friends I’ll be there.

I want someone I can learn things from and teach things to. I want someone who has stories and quirks and the ability to make me laugh. I want someone who understands I’m equally comfortable on a bicycle going 35 miles an hour, in a four star restaurant, listening to music and reading a book, and in a beer garden watching a cover band with a black and tan in a plastic cup, and while she doesn’t have to like all of those things the way that I do she has to understand why they’re important to me.

I remain optimistic, but I’m getting better at realizing I may be alone for a good long while.

Writing Project Update

WEEKLY WORD COUNT: A paltry 2516, but that doesn’t count the Wagerfecta work I was doing, which took a lot of this past weekend. Things should smooth out going forward; the Space Monkeys don’t hit until the end of the month, so I’m hoping to cruise a little.

RESPONSES TO LAST WEEK’S ITEM: One email on Slaughterhouse; a bunch more of Wagerfecta and Space Monkeys, so I understand keeping multiple burners going at once.

NUMBER OF NEW SUGGESTIONS THIS WEEK: 0.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO: 1,2, and 3 are gone. We go 4,5, and 6. And we get…oh, boy.

Two weeks ago, I said, “Bring it on! Hurt me!” and this week’s question is a bit more down to earth.

THIRD EMAIL IN THE INBOX: Beth Badrov, with “Please describe your ideal woman. Enjoy.”

500 words on this topic due by: 12 AM PST Friday/Saturday, Feb 7