Slaughterhouse 45

START TIME: 7:06 AM
END TIME: 7:44 AM
WORD COUNT: 687

If you were visiting Las Vegas for a couple days, how would you spend your time?

I've lived here for a decade now, and as a result, my Las Vegas is a little bit different than yours. While I do work on Las Vegas Boulevard, it's not technically the Strip, and it's certainly not a resort. I avoid the more crowded parts of the Strip the same way that Chicagoans avoid Michigan Avenue on the day after Christmas and New Orleans residents avoid the French Quarter - I know it's there all the time, so I try not to get bogged down in rows of slot machines, violently overpriced nightclubs, or interpretive dance establishments that end in sunlight.

We have two seasons in Las Vegas, Hot and Nice - and right now we're smack dab in the middle of Nice. On a Nice afternoon when it's in the 70s or 80s and is tolerable to be outside, I've never had a lousy time at the putting course at Angel Park Golf Club, which features several things that you've missed out on if you've spent your time putting into a zombie's mouth: Real grass, real sand, real water, and - the very bestest part of all - a full bar in the clubhouse. There's no Snapple machine here. You can verify the proven scientific fact, like I have, that I'm a better pool player, darts thrower, and golfer after 1.5 drinks. (Seriously. I'm All-Universe at 1.5, but when the ice melts a little and thirst overtakes me, my motor control just gets a little too fluid.)

I'm a view/aesthetics junkie, and yes, the Strip is fascinating to look at. (As are the people. I'm not allowed to share the details of Tourist Bingo with outsiders, but NASCAR apparel, fanny packs, and plastic yard glasses from La Salsa are usually a winning combination.) If you want to see the whole Strip and still stay relatively near town, grab a drink at Voodoo at the top of the Rio and get a table at one of the patios around sunset. The lights get brighter, the helicopters circle, traffic that you're not in meanders down Flamingo - it's perfect.

You do want to see the fountains at Bellagio. However, that show only runs a couple minutes, and on a really nice night people spend a lot of time setting up for it. Instead, go to the Paris across the street and get a patio table at Mon Ami Gabi (yes, a Chicago import, just like me) and catch the show at your convenience every few minutes over a meal - and because you're elevated over street level, the only way to get a better view is a kayak.

After dinner, take the walk out front of Paris and cross over the bridge at Flamingo and Las Vegas Boulevard to the Bellagio, the best-executed hotel on the Strip. You'll stroll through their shopping mall and into their casino - wildly colorful but not as smoky or quiet as some of its neighbors. Have a seat at the bar at Caramel and tell the bartender, "Two cable cars, please." It's their signature drink.

If you're in town on a football weekend, you'll want to hunker down at one of the more NASA-like sports books and watch eight games at once, while grown men shriek at televisions and throw losing tickets in the air. The best venues for this are Mandalay Bay and the Las Vegas Hilton.

And finally, depending on where you're staying, you'll want to hop in a cab, restore lost calories, and promote cell growth and development by going to your nearest Capriotti's (if you're on the Strip there's one on Flamingo near the UNLV campus), a Delaware-based sub sandwich shop that makes hot sandwiches so excellent that I want to throw my running shoes out the window. All of their subs are phenomenal, but my favorite is the Capastrami, consisting of hot pastrami, melted Swiss cheese, cole slaw, and Russian dressing.

Oh, and I almost forgot: Be sure to gamble away virtually everything you own. We could use it. Seriously, every plane out of here lately has been filled with nothing but WINNERS. Spend it all.