Slaughterhouse 47

START TIME: 9:59 PM
END TIME: 11:07 PM
WORD COUNT: 616

"what twilight character would you be?"

I will not count the words that I’m going to steal from November’s Esquire (which is now doing thousand-word essays on cultural topics), but as the preteen set goes bananas over the Twilight sequel, which opened at midnight last night/this morning you might want to consider this theory, posited by Stephen Marche:

“Edward, the romantic hero of the Twilight series, is a sweet, screwed-up high school kid, and at the beginning of his relationship with Bella, she is attracted to him because he is strange, beautiful, and seemingly repulsed by her. This exact scenario happened several times in my high school between straight girls and gay guys who either hadn't figured out they were gay or were still in the closet. Twilight's fantasy is that the gorgeous gay guy can be your boyfriend, and for the slightly awkward teenage girls who consume the books and movies, that's the clincher.”

(Read the whole thing at: http://www.esquire.com/features/thousand-words-on-culture/vampires-gay-men-1109#ixzz0XTHhMOOH )

Now, take that vignette out of your head and let’s move on.

My involvement in the Twilight series had to do with the fact a lot of other people were talking about how excellent it was, and I felt like I was missing out on a lot of cultural references by not knowing what it was about. Occasionally I’ll get sucked into things for really shallow reasons, and they’ll quickly slip into that category of Hours Of My Life I Will Never Get Back. The book and movie of this story counted as both. I was loaned a copy of the book and the DVD by a neighbor. I read the book first and realized that these weren’t moments I’d pine for on my deathbed, even though I realized I wasn’t the target audience. That thing said JUVENILE on the side for a reason.

But I watched the movie anyway, because again, cultural reference, right? Oh, my GOD. First off, the book made it rather clear that these are glitter people when it’s sunny, and the film carried this motif to extremes. Every one of the vampires was shot in such extreme brightness that these people would not prove to be a mere curiosity in town. The father, for instance, Dr. Carlisle Cullen? These simpletons, not sure how suspicious they should be of this family, entrust their medical care to a guy that looks like he isn’t just sort of pale, but glows in the dark, doesn’t age, and can’t explain any of the myriad weird things that surround his presence and family.

So maybe I’d be that guy – vaguely in charge, cool modern house, patriarch? Nahh.

I’m damned sure I wouldn’t be Bella, who alternated between solipsistic and confused (and handily Kristen Stewart, the actress playing her, had only two facial expressions in the whole film) for the entire movie. She actually thinks it’s endearing and romantic when Edward admits that yes, biologically she’s merely a warm snack, and he likes to watch her sleep at night and tries to read her thoughts. What woman wouldn’t be touched by such obvious devotion, right up until they’re calling ADT from the panic room?

And if that isn’t enough, we have Bella’s father, a movie parent so dumb he makes Ferris Bueller’s mom and pop look like Marie Curie and Albert Einstein. The town of Forks, where he is a police officer, has weird disappearances and a whole crowd of people who are Quite Obviously Different – and he doesn’t associate that anything might be unusual. His buddy the Indian attempts to tell him that whoa, hey, these people are trouble, but they’re more interested in sitting around and watching football than the only thing in the whole blasted town that could amount to actual crime. His daughter flies to Phoenix – FLIES ACROSS THE COUNTRY – without his knowledge. I guess the Seahawks were on.

So I wouldn’t be either one of those lummoxes.

I suppose I could be Edward, the isolated protagonist who “enjoys a wide range of music, including classical, jazz, progressive metal, alternative rock, and punk rock, but dislikes country. He prefers indie rock to mainstream, and appreciates rock and classical music equally. He mentions in Twilight that he likes music from the fifties better than the sixties, dislikes the seventies, and says the eighties were "bearable".

Edward doesn’t sleep. Edward runs really fast. Edward is six-two. Edward was transformed into a vampire in Chicago. Hey, look at that! This could work!

Ummm, Edward can’t eat food.

Nope, sorry, thanks for playing. If forced to choose, I’ll choose Edward. But if death is an option, I’ll be like Jim Morrison in “The Doors”, screaming “Gimme some death!” As that alone excludes me from the vampire population, I’ll take it.