Start time: 10:25 PM
End time: 11:13 PM
Word Count: 629
Assignment: “Using only cliches, give a half-time speech.”
COACH:
Hey! Is anybody out there? I can hear you breathing! There’s not enough room to swing a cat in this locker room, but gentlemen, here’s my two cents. I don’t want to beat around the bush. Life’s a bitch and then you die. We’re going to have to go back to the drawing board on this one and put our noses to the grindstone. And we know that it’s time to think outside the box. We’ve got to zig when the other guy zags. We’re going to catch them with their pants down, and we’re going to win one for the Gipper.
I can see you’re on pins and needles wondering how. Well, that goes without saying. I’ll field this one.
Gentlemen, I’m going to cut to the chase: We’re going to hit Jarvis right where it counts, between the eyes, and with a roundhouse right to the jaw. We’re going to hit him with everything but the kitchen sink, send him crying home to his Momma with his tail between his legs. We’re gonna beat him like a redheaded stepchild.
JARVIS:
Coach, I’m over here.
COACH:
Bingo! They’ll never see it coming! When the bell rings and it’s time for Jarvis to put up or shut up, and he’s literally doubled over and for all intents and purposes sitting on the bench like a bump on a log, needless to say, that’s when they’ll know it’s gut-check time, that we looked into ourselves and said, sure, the harder they come, the harder they fall. When the chips were down we said, an eye for an eye, and we’re going to cut to the chase. Look, Jarvis tries to hit the hole and follow his blockers-you poor excuses for linemen, and he gets caught red-handed every time. So if you can’t beat them, join them.
JARVIS:
It seems like the lights are on, but no one’s home.
COACH:
You know what really gets my goat? I’m going to give it to you straight: that you don’t want to take one for the team. Every dog has his day, and sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you. There’s no I in “team,” Jarvis.
JARVIS:
There are several in “debilitating, disfiguring injuries.”
COACH:
Buddy, you gotta keep your eye on the ball. Let’s take it from the top and get our marching orders; you’re supposed to give it to them straight, nothing out of the ordinary.
JARVIS:
So you’re going to beat the tar out of me and all I’m supposed to do is keep talking in clichés?
COACH:
Bullseye. And on balance, I’ll give you that one.
JARVIS:
I’m your man, Coach. Take your best shot. You feel lucky?
COACH:
Way to knock it out of the park, son. I’m going to lay down the law with you people. I didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag, but I know this goes without saying. It’s dog eat dog, kill or be killed, the law of the jungle, and this isn’t going to be fun in the sun. It’s time for our last hurrah, for all the marbles, and no one can ever take that away from you. So keep your chin up. Stand tall. And let’s go out there and show them what we’re made of. We just have to take it one play at a time. Now let’s bring home the bacon!
TEAM:
Yeah!
COACH:
Gentlemen, I also think that now’s a good time to point out that I have a live grenade in my jacket pocket and if you people don’t perform like you’re capable of, I’m going to pull the pin and blow us all to kingdom come.
TEAM:
What?
COACH:
I’m just yanking your chain. Knock ‘em dead.
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