Slaughterhouse 8

Start time: 10:03 PM
Stop time:10:39 PM
Word count: 767 words

Question: What would you say the difference is between "friends with benefits" and a relationship? –Nancy Beagle


I have always regarded the phrase “friends with benefits” with a sort of mournful scorn. It was clearly designed to put some sort of status on the person who clearly wanted something more out of the deal, because I don’t know that this is the sort of decision that’s arrived at mutually. People walk into relationships with goals, dreams, and aspirations. It used to be that society had whole great swaths of rules about dating and courtship and what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Every single rule of what could be considered normal human contact has been modified to a degree that I have heard several people actually say – out loud, in the same tone of voice that you or I would order something from Starbucks – “It was either get married or split up.”

That’s an amazing sentence structure. “It was either enter the Indianapolis 500 or drive into a tree at 200 MPH.” “It was either get to the second round of the French Open or quit tennis altogether.” But in a place and time where sentiments like that exist, there’s obviously a need for more pace, more chalk lines. Somebody who didn’t want to get married, move in, date exclusively, or have any more pressure than remembering the name of the cat, but reeeeeally wanted to sleep with somebody, decided hey, this wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.

As an optimist, I tend to see the win for both sides. “You’re not sleeping with anyone or dating anyone, I’m not either, but I’d rather be and so would you, so why not? No commitment, no acting or feeling all weird, just sort of pull the extension cord out of your mind and…be.” Sounds enticing. Doesn’t work. Because the other side of that curtain consists of a guided tour. “See all this stuff? Here’s the two parachutes, the zip line, the emergency locator beacon, the ejection seat, the portable ham radio, the GPS and the life rafts. If I find somebody who I would like to be a little closer to than you, I plan to deploy ALL of these things at once, even the life raft and the parachute. Not that I’m building the escape route now, right off the bat, but just be prepared. Look, I brought you your very own crash helmet, just in case.” But much like the person who’s chosen first in a round of “Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe”, the person who chooses this status first then holds all of the cards. The other person has to escalate everything or leave. It’s positively diabolical.

I’m now almost glacially old, so I work under the assumption that an actual relationship is something worth preserving if both parties are interested in doing so. Friends with benefits almost guarantees that’s not going to happen. There’s either an excess of caution from one party or a disproportionate amount of enthusiasm from another, or it turns into an actual relationship, where there’s no stepping back from problems. It would be nice to subvert or avoid the feeling that relationships take a certain level of work if you want to make sure that neither party wants to hit the other while they’re sleeping with a coconut hammer, but it’s not the case.

And a relationship that gets backed off to “let’s be friends with benefits,” well, you might as well pick up some boxes on the way back to that shared apartment. Who says, “I know I said that I wanted to be with you yesterday, but today I don’t, but I’d really appreciate it if we could do everything just like a couple with none of the work.” At this point, the coaster has pulled into the station and it’s push down, pull up, enjoy the rest of your day at Six Flags Great America.

And this, children, is why I normally take relationship queries with the understanding that I help with strategy, not with taxonomy. Remember, if I had any idea what I was doing, I may not be this single right now.